There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
