A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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