just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
false alarm, still single
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
