I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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