i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
