LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
