Pants 0. Shit 1.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
