If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
