Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize