he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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