Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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