guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
