Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
