so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
