You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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