why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
