she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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