Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
