Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i out mim tonsoeep
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