I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
