I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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