I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
