3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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