The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you told grandpa to call you daddy
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize