The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
