Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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