his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
