My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
