$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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