DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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