I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My vagina is officially offended.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
