I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Your penis caused this!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
