Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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