On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
