i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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