Have you finally orgasmed yet?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize