My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize