First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
