God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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