I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
