Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
