my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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