I hate your face
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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