i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
