Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
did i walk over a car last night?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
