i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
