Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
