this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Randomize
