Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
