Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
