Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Randomize
