our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
