I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
