Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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