saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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