guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
