He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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